What If You Could Love Yourself Despite the Results, Not Because of Them?

I remember sitting in a therapist’s chair, tears streaming down my face. It was around my 40th day in treatment, and I felt completely stuck. Nothing I hoped would fall into place seemed to be happening. It was like I’d set up the perfect “self-improvement” buffet, and somehow, I was eating nothing but despair.

Then, my therapist asked a question that would change everything: "Can you love yourself despite the results, not because of them?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. My immediate answer was a clear no. I couldn’t imagine loving myself without any external validation. How could I love myself if I wasn’t, well, winning? But that moment sparked a powerful shift in my mindset—one that would forever change how I approach mental health, self-love, and personal growth. If you're struggling with self-worth, self-doubt, or feeling defined by your achievements (or lack thereof), this journey might help you too. Here's what I learned about how to embrace unconditional self-love:

Lesson 1: Just Because You Live in an Achievement-Based Society, You Don’t Have to Conform to It

We live in a world that seems obsessed with achievement. From a young age, we’re taught that love, respect, and recognition are all earned through success—whether it’s acing a test, landing a promotion, or getting the corner office with a window (seriously, the corner office with a window seems to be the Holy Grail, right?). But this constant drive for validation through achievements can be exhausting and even damaging to our mental health.

What I’ve realized, especially in mental health recovery, is that this achievement-based love is a trap. It creates what I call achievement-based self-worth, where our value is measured by what we accomplish. When we succeed, we feel worthy; when we fail, we feel worthless. And guess what? That’s not healthy.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to buy into this. True self-love isn’t about what you do, it’s about who you are. You are valuable because you are. Unconditional self-love means embracing your worth, even when you’re not hitting milestones or meeting other people’s expectations. When you can learn to love yourself without needing constant validation, you break free from the exhausting cycle of success or failure defining you.

In a world obsessed with achievement, learning to love yourself without conditions is one of the most liberating acts you can do for your mental health. So go ahead, put the trophy down for a second, and just be.

Lesson 2: Failure is Your Friend, Embrace It

Ah, failure. The word alone sends chills down the spine of anyone who’s tried anything remotely ambitious. For so long, I wanted to be the person who never failed. I wanted to be perfect, the epitome of success—because who wouldn’t want to be perfect? (Not me, by the way. I just wanted the illusion of it). But here’s the thing: failure is actually the secret sauce of growth.

I’ve learned that failure is not the end of the world. In fact, I fail more in a single day than I succeed. Whether it's messing up a workout routine, forgetting a deadline, or simply getting snappy with someone I love (guilty as charged), it’s just a part of life. In fact, it’s necessary for mental health and growth.

We fear failure because we associate it with being “less than” or “not good enough.” But, in reality, failure is a fantastic teacher. It teaches you how to get up when you fall, how to keep going when things are tough, and how to laugh at yourself when you trip over your own two feet (which I’ve done way more than I’d like to admit).

Instead of dreading failure, I’ve learned to embrace it. When I fail, I ask myself, What can I learn from this? And the more I fail, the more I grow. So let’s not pretend that failure is this big, scary monster hiding under the bed. Failure is simply part of the process, and it teaches me to love myself, flaws and all.

Lesson 3: There’s Nothing F***ing Wrong with You, So Stop Acting Like It

Let me be very clear: There is nothing wrong with you. You may have challenges—stress, anxiety, bad days, or even mood swings—but guess what? Those things don’t define you. Seriously, I know this might be hard to digest if you’ve been down a difficult road, but hear me out…

I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve gone through my own battles with mental health—from the frustration of feeling like I wasn’t “good enough” to moments where I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. But here’s the kicker: my struggles, whatever they may be, do not define who I am.

I am simply me. The good, the bad, the sometimes comically ugly. There is no “perfect” version of me that I have to live up to. Once I stopped believing that there was something wrong with me just because I had struggles, things started to shift. And that’s when the magic happened: I started accepting myself.

So, stop acting like there’s something broken about you. Sure, we all face challenges and difficult emotions. You don’t have to pretend to be perfect or “fixed” in order to be lovable or worthy. The real power comes from embracing yourself for who you are—good, bad, awkward, and all.

Wrapping It All Up: Embracing Self-Love in the Journey of Life

Let’s face it: loving yourself despite the results requires unlearning a lot of the nonsense we’ve been taught. From childhood, we’ve been told that our worth is tied to success, achievement, and approval from others. But here’s the truth: you are enough just as you are. No need to jump through hoops or fit into some unrealistic mold. Your flaws, your imperfections, your awkward moments—they all make up the beautiful, authentic you.

Take a deep breath. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Embrace your journey, failures, imperfections, and all. Self-love is a lifelong process, and you are worthy of it, no matter where you are in life.

Now, go ahead. Treat yourself like someone you actually like.